What's the difference...
Q: What's the difference between a litter of puppies and Michigan fans?
A: Eventually puppies grow up and stop whining.
The team at UM became known as "the Wolverines" around 1899.
The name would stick until around 2001, when the team would become known as "OSU's doormat."
The first organized sport on the Michigan campus was cricket, in 1860. Baseball followed in 1864.
The university is hoping organized football returns in 2010.
The school was founded in 1817 in Detroit (20 years before Michigan became a state).
The college's first name was "the Catholepistemiad," which was changed to "the University of Michigan" four years later when it was discovered that none of the students could spell "Catholepistemiad."
It is true that the Wolverines have 11 national titles. Two even occurred after the leather-helmet era.
TSUN Cheerleader & Elephant
Q: What's the difference between a Michigan cheerleader and an elephant?
A: About 50 pounds.
Q: How do you make up the difference?
A: Feed the elephant.
Twas the night before The Game
Twas the night before The Game, and all around The Shoe, not a creature was sleeping they were screaming Beat Blue.
Banners were hung by the lamp posts with care, in hopes that St. Terrelle would find Sanzenbacher through the air.
The partying was already in high gear, and pretty coeds were bringing me beer.
When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my keg to see what was the matter.
When there in the sky in a red Lexus sleigh, was none other than Woody all decked out in scarlet and gray.
He looked on the crowd that was gathered around, and said he heard that a game was in town.
"I came here to watch it, and wish you good luck, though it's not like you need it, because Michigan Still Sucks!"
Michigan Asks Buckeyes to Move or Cancel This Year's Game
Breaking news was just on the radio: The Michigan athletics director just called OSU's AD and said the game has to be moved or it must be cancelled.
Michigan can't make it down to Columbus because they are unable to get past Toldeo.
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Grilled Hillbilly: $20.00
+ Baked Michigan fan: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the Michigan fan?"
The waiter replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap, it takes all morning."
From The National Weather Service
In the event of a tornado warning, the National Weather Service
advises all Ann Arbor residents to take immediate shelter in The Big House.
A touchdown is highly unlikely to occur there.
From the looking for advice department...
I am a crack dealer in Columbus who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus.
My parents live in a suburb of Worthington and one of my sisters, who lives in Dublin, is married to a transvestite.
My father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Grove City.
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Lucasville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently in jail awaiting trial on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Atlanta and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel.
All things considered, my main problem is this:
I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her, but...
...should I tell her about my cousin who is a University of Michigan fan?
Worried About My Reputation
You're stranded on a deserted island with three people: a cannibal, a mass murderer, and a guy in a Michigan hat.
You have gun but only two bullets remaining.
Who do you shoot?
The Michigan fan...twice.
Lunar UM Chapter
The crew of Apollo 15 placed a plaque on the moon in 1971 establishing a lunar chapter of the UM Alumni Association.
"It's fitting," said a Michigan spokesman. "The moon is cold, desolate and dark, much like our campus after the annual loss to Ohio State."
A Professor invents an IQ machine that boosts a person's IQ to 300 and then starts counting backward.
He connects his wife to it, turns it off at 190, and she starts explaining quantum physics.
He tries it out on his brother Bill, turns it off at 175, and Bill starts talking advanced calculus.
Then he plugs in his cousin Bob. Just then the phone rings, and it's a telemarketer. By the time he gets back to unplug Bob, the machine is counting down: 14 - 13 - 12.
He slams the switch to "off," shakes Bob and screams, "Say something!" and Bob says, "Go blue!"
The license plate...
...says it all.
A die-hard Michigan fan and a die-hard Ohio State fan are waiting to be executed. The executioner asks the Wolverine fan for his last request.
“Hmmm”, he says, then requests to hear the Wolverine fight song one last time.
"OK," says the executioner and turns to the Buckeye fan and asks the same question, "What is your last request?"
Without hesitation the Buckeye fan says, "Shoot me first."
Riding on a Train
A Buckeye fan, a Wolverine fan, a nun and a stunning blonde are riding on a train. Suddenly the train heads into a tunnel. A loud smack is heard and as the train rides out of the tunnel the Wolverine fan is rubbing his face.
The nun thinks: "Serves him right for trying to grab the blonde."
The blonde thinks: "Serves him right for trying to grab the nun."
The Wolverine fan thinks: "The Buckeyes fan was probably trying to grab the blonde, missed her and grabbed the nun instead. Then she tried to smack him in the face and missed."
The Buckeye fan thinks: "Next tunnel I'm going to smack that stupid Wolverine fan again."
Reading the News
|Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Michigan campus?|
A: A visitor.
A Michigan fan was sitting at a table reading the Newspaper. The headline read: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."
He shook his head at the sad news, then turned to the man sitting next to him and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"
The birth of their first child
A graduate from Ohio State, a graduate from Michigan and a pig were in the hospital waiting room, each awaiting the birth of his first child. Suddenly, the lights went out. Fortunately, power was restored shortly thereafter and the head nurse made her way to the waiting room.
"I've got good news and bad news, gentlemen and pig," she announced. Despite the electrical outage, two healthy boys and one healthy piglet have been delivered. However, since the lights went out at the most inopportune time, we aren't sure which first-born belongs to whom. The only way we know to resolve the problem is to draw straws and have the winner choose first."
The three proud papas agreed and the Ohio grad won the drawing. He was escorted into the delivery room and looked at the three newborns for a painstakingly long time. Finally, with head bowed, he scooped up the piglet and headed for the door
"Sir, are you quite certain that you've made the right choice," the nurse asked.
"No, I'm not," replied the Buckeye grad. "But I just couldn't run the risk of ending up with the Michigan kid."
Anthrax Scare At Michigan
Michigan football practice was delayed nearly two hours this morning after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.
Head coach Rich Rodriguez immediately suspended practice while police and federal agents were called to investigate.
After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the goal line.
Practice was resumed this afternoon after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.
Doing His Own Laundry
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Go Michigan."
"In that case, Use Hot Water , A box of Tide and Four Cups Bleach."
Harvard of the West
Michigan is often referred to as "the Harvard of the West."
That nickname came after "the Ohio State of the North" was rejected by a committee as "too much of a stretch."
How many Seconds
Michigan's quarterback had to get his grades up in order to play in the big game against Ohio State at the end of the season. His coach, LLLLLoyd Carr, knows that this is impossible without some incredible rule-bending. He decides to test them to the limit.
He arranges for the professors who were unhappy with the player's work to create a special test for him. They finally decided on a good, short quiz. They brought the quarterback into an empty room that was filled with books, magazines, calendars, and electronic computing equipment (calculators, computers, etc.). They told him that he would have five hours to complete the one-question quiz. He agreed and they left the room. The profs check on him every hour and record his progress. At the end of the five hours, they ask him for his answer.
He says, 'Just a minute! I've almost got it!'
After ten minutes of this, the profs get agitated and finally yell at him, 'We need an answer! How many seconds are there in a year?'
He replies, "12."
"12?!?," exclaim the exasperated educators?
"Yeah, the second of January, the second of February, the second of March..."
Going To The Doctor
A University of Michigan fan walks into a doctor's office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head.
The doctor asks, "How can I help you?"
The frog replies, "I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt."
Three College Football Fans
Three college football fans were en route to a game when they noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead-drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Ohio State fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Purdue fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Michigan fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Ohio State cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Purdue cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Michigan cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Michigan fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you a pervert or something?"
"No," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Michigan cap, I find an asshole."
What do you get...
Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and a University of Michigan?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.
Ohio State Buckeye Baby Boy
An Ohio State Buckeye fan is drinking in a New York bar, watching the Buckeyes when he gets a call on his mobile.
With a big grin on his face, he orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar.
This is cause to celebrate he tells everyone, because not only as my wife just given birth, but it's a typical Ohio State Buckeye baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe a new baby can weigh 25 pounds.
That doesn't faze the Ohio State fan who says, "That's just about average. My son is a typical Ohio State Buckeye baby boy. He's
going to be an Ohio State football player."
He got congratulations from all around from everyone. A woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
A couple of weeks later the Ohio State fan returned to the bar. The bartender remembered him and said, "Aren't you the father of that typical Ohio State Buckeye baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?"
He proudly answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender now is a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25
pounds at birth!"
The father takes a swig of his beer and leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
Einstein at a party
Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the woman answers, "241."
"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the Mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss."
Next Albert introduces himself to a man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the gentleman answers, "144." "That's great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51."
Albert responds, "How 'bout them Wolverines?"
I wish I could do that
Two UM fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do.
The first University of Michigan fan says to the second, "Boy, I wish I could do that."
The second University of Michigan fan replies, "Yeah, me too. But I wouldn't try it."
The first UM fan asks, "Why not?"
The second UM fan responds: "Because I'm afraid the dog might bite me."
Not the desired results
A Michigan Graduate was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.
A week later the grad complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results.
"Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.
"What do you think I've been doing," the grad said, "shoving them up my ass?"
Who is the most loyal...
Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: an Ohio State grad, a Michigan grad, a Penn State grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.
As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Fighting Irish!" as he fell to his doom.
Not wanting to be out done, the Penn State grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Nittany Lions!"
Seeing this the OSU grad walked over and shouted "This is for the Buckeyes!" and pushed the Wolverine off the side of the mountain.
How Do You...
|Click HERE to get a sneak peek of the new calendar featuring hot cheerleaders from the Big Ten...especially the one from UM.|
Q: How do you get a Michigan cheerleader into an elevator?
A: Grease up her thighs and throw in a Twinkie.
A man $1 billion dollars. He had three sons. He told his sons that since he now had all this money, he would like to know what each of them would like to have.
He stressed to them since he was now a billionaire that money was no object.
His first son said that he had always wanted a Jaguar.
His father went out and bought him 7 Jaguars in different colors, so that he would have a different one to drive every day of the week.
His second son said that he always wanted a motorcycle.
His father went out and bought him 30 new motorcycles: 10 dirt bikes, 10 Harley Davidsons, and 10 sport bikes, so he would have a different bike to ride every day of the month.
His third and youngest son was only 8 years old, and the little guy said that he simply had wanted just a Mickey Mouse outfit.
So, his father went out and bought his son the University of Michigan.
Favorite College Football Team
At an elementary school in Ann Arbor MI, a teacher asks her class who like the Michigan Wolverines as their favorite football team.
Everyone raises their hand except for Little Jimmy.
The teacher asks Little Jimmy, "Who's your favorite football team Jimmy?"
Little Jimmy responds, "The Ohio State Buckeyes."
The teacher asks, "Why is that?"
Little Jimmy says, "Well, my Dad is a Buckeye fan. My Mom is a Buckeye fan. I guess that makes me a Buckeye fan."
The teacher asks, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Little Jimmy answers, "Well, I guess that would make me a Michigan fan."
Walking By The Cemetary
A little boy and his mother were walking through a Michigan cemetery when they came upon a headstone that read:
"Here lies a Michigan graduate and a good man."
The little boy asked his mother, "Mommy, why did they bury two people in there?"
Q: What happens when a M!c#!g@n fan takes Viagra?
A: He gets taller!
Boy Attacked By Dog
Two boys are playing football at a park in Columbus when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy takes a stick and shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, thus saving his friend.
A sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. He tells the boy, "I'll title it 'Young Buckeye Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal'."
"But I'm not a Buckeye fan," the little hero replies.
"Oh, I thought everyone in Columbus was for the Buckeyes. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Michigan Wolverines fan," the boy replies. "They're the best."
The reporter smiles, starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little Bastard From Ohio Kills Beloved Family Pet."
The $99 Cruise
A Michigan grad sees an ad for a $99 cruise. He goes to the travel agent and pays the fee. The travel agent hits him over the head with a club, stuffs him in a sack, throws him out the window onto a raft and cuts the raft loose.
The Michigan grad wakes up floating in the ocean, along with another Michigan graduate. "I hope they serve dinner on this cruise," the first grad says.
"They didn't last year," the second one replies.
A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Franklin County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the University of Michigan Wolverines, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Rear View Mirrors
Q: Why do Michigan graduates hang their diplomas from their rear view mirrors?
A: So they can park in handicap spaces.
'world's greatest ass contest'
Below are the three finalists in the 2008
World's Greatest A$$' Contest
Select your favorite!
for Finalist #3...twice!
Women in Mexico...
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They end up gettting drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
The switch is thrown, and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one is strapped in and gives her last words, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
Again, the switch is thrown and, again, nothing happens. As before, all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Michigan and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in..."
A stockbroker, on his way home from work in Columbus, came to a dead halt in traffic.
He sees a police officer walking between the stopped cars and rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"
The officer replies,"Michigan head coach, Rich Rod is depressed. He stopped the team bus and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He is tired of losing to Ohio State. The university has cut back on his recruiting budget making it difficult to sign quality players."
We're taking up a collection for him.
The stockbroker asks, "How much have you got so far?"
The officer responds, "About 75 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."
Q: Why should the University of Michigan change its name to the "Opossums"?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
A highly recruited high school football player was visiting schools to try and find the best college for him.
His first stop was at Miami. When he got
there, Larry Coker immediately picked up a golden telephone. After talking several minutes, he said, "Thank you, God," and hung up.
This shocked the young man. He asked the coach what was so special about the golden phone.
"Well, this phone is a direct line to God. And God tells us whether or not new recruits would be stars at our university.
The athlete asked if he could use the phone to ask God what college he should pick
"Sure, you can! But it's going to cost you $1,000. Calling Heaven ain't cheap."
The fellow didn't have that kind of money, so he moved along.
His next stop was Michigan. Upon entering Rich Rodriguez's office, Coach Rodriguez immediately picked up a golden telephone. After talking several minutes, he said, "Thank you, God" and hung up.
The boy said, "Hey, I've seen those phones before. Can I use yours to call God and ask what college I should pick?" Lloyd said, "Sure, but it's going to cost you $750. Calling Heaven isn't cheap.."
Again, not having that kind of money, the recruit left.
His last stop was in Columbus, Ohio. Upon arrival at the office, Coach Tressel picked up a golden telephone, talked to God, and said, "Thanks," and hung up.
The boy just had to use that phone, so he said, "Coach, I really need to use that golden telephone so I can call God and ask him which college I should choose.
From Florida it was going to cost me $1000. From Michigan they wanted $750. So how much will it cost me to call Heaven from here in Columbus?"
The coach smiled and said, "Nothing, Son. It's a local call."
Milking Cows in Ann Arbor
An Ann Arbor farmer was milking his cows one day when he heard faint music coming from nearby. After hunting for a time, he discovered the sound was loudest near one particular calf, and was even louder near the calf's tail. Putting his head close to the calf's hind end, he heard the unmistakable university of Michigan fight song.
Amazed, the next day he put the calf in his truck and drove the animal to a veterinarian in Ann Arbor. When the vet asked him what was going on, the farmer told him.
The vet went around behind the calf and listened. He agreed he heard the University of Michigan fight song, but didn't seem particularly excited.
"Man, how can you stand there and not be amazed?" the farmer asked.
The vet, a third generation OSU graduate, said, "Bud, I’m a BUCKEYE, and I’ve been listening to that song coming from assholes all of my life."
What do you call...
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a Michigan fan?
A: A tattoo.
Ice fishing competition
Once upon a time, there was a season when neither Ohio State nor Michigan made a post-season bowl game.
It seemed so unusual that the teams figured there should be some sort of competition anyway. So they got together and decided on a week-long ice-fishing competition.
On the first day, Ohio State caught 100 fish and Michigan caught none.
On the second day, Ohio State had caught 200 fish and Michigan still had zero.
The Michigan coach, suspecting cheating, dressed one of his players in scarlet and gray and sent him to the Ohio State camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day, the player came back to the report.
"Are they cheating?" asked the coach.
"They sure are," the player said. "They're cutting holes in the ice!"
Just for amusement
An Ohio State fan would amuse himself by scaring every Michigan fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their maize and blue colors. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, and then he would swerve back on the road just missing them.
One day, while driving along, he saw a priest. Being a good person, he pulled the van over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to give Mass at St. Joseph's Church, about five miles down the road," he replied.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in!"
The priest got in and the van continued down the road.
Suddenly, the driver saw a Wolverine fan strutting down the road, and he instinctively swerved the van. As usual, just in time he swerved back narrowly missing the guy.
Even though he was certain he missed the guy, he still heard a loud "THUD."
Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors, but he didn't see anything.
He then remembered the priest, and he turned to him and said: "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit that Michigan fan."
"That's OK" replied the priest. "I got him with the door."
Q: Why do Michigan football players like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.
The police found the body of a man floating in a river in upper Michigan.
The deceased was wearing a mini skirt, high heels and a University of Michigan football jersey.
He also had a cucumber stuffed in "that place."
The police knew the family of the man and since they didn't want the family to be embarrassed, they took the Michigan jersey off of him.
What's the difference between...
Q: What's the difference between the Big House and a cactus?
A: The cactus has its pricks on the outside!
The AM Radio
Did you hear about the Michigan grad who bought an AM Radio?
It took him two weeks to figure out that the radio works at night, too.
A Michigan fan and an Ohio State fan...
A Michigan fan and an Ohio State fan go to the restroom and stand next
to each other at the urinal. They finish about the same time.
The deceased was wearing a mini skirt, high heels and a University of Michigan football jersey.
The Michigan fan goes to the sink to wash his hands and the Ohio State fan
starts to walk out.
The Michigan fan yells that the Ohio State fan and
says hey in Michigan they teach us to wash our hands after going to the
The Ohio State fan replies back. At Ohio State they teach us
not to pee on our hands...